Discipline and Obedience
- Author:
Frank Bodman, M.D., Deputy director, Bristol Child Guidance Clinic
?bedie ‘SCUss the vexed questions of discipline, all havCC’ and Punishment is difficult because we attitud?e ?Ur OWn ?Pini?ns on what is the right who h l? ac*?Pt- At one extreme are the people Warns P , that all punishment is harmful and the oth the executor anci the victim, while at necessiter a^e those who believe firmly in the an expiatio pun’s^rnent’ both as a preventive and himselfU(^Mi ?f mles that the child makes for from i_7 1 serve as an introduction. At the stage especia”ii’ ,e child wants to play like other children, game ?’der ones, and to know how to play the hirnselfPtSPerly” .In Practice he soon persuades while i ? ? s Playing right, though actually, hirnselfmitc^ng e^ers, he is merely playing by Plays nn i. Ven when playing a game in a group, he till the km own anc everyone can win. It is not the elem reaches the age of 7 that there appears each co-operation in group play. Then ^ach eViH tr’es to w*n while keeping to the rules, which attempts to keep inside the common rule Quarrel l??ntr?^s ?rouP?”so as not to properiv”^ you must have rules and then play y ? Finally at about 11-12 years, an interest in the rules themselves develops, and the rules are elaborated, and drawn up to meet every con- tingency.
Now if these rules of the game are discussed with the child, we find that up to 4 years of age, no idea of compulsion seems to occur to him. He follows his own sweet will. But somewhere about 6 years, we find that the child regards the rules of the game as sacred, untouchable. This stage may last for 3-4 years, but somewhere about the 10th year the child realizes that while the rules of the game must be kept, they may be altered, provided you can obtain the consent of the majority. At first, then, the rule is something external to the child, something sacred; but as he makes the rule his own, the idea of mutual consent appears and the rule becomes part of a free agreement with his equals.
The child of 3-4 is saturated with rules made by grown-ups, rules of when to get up, when to come to meals, how to behave at table, when to wash, when to go to bed. He yields to every suggestion, for he has blind faith in adult authority. His not to reason why. Up to 7-8 years of age, the child’s attitude to rules is that they are as much laws as it is ordained that the sun must shine by day and the ^ePtember^94/~eCtUre ^ven t0 Mental Health Emergency Committee Course for Hostel Workers, Exeter, moon by night; he can make no distinction between moral and physical laws. The child feels he must eat after going for a walk, must go to bed after supper, must have a bath on Sundays, just as the wind must blow the clouds, pebbles must sink, while boats must float. The obligation to speak the truth, not to steal, to be punctual, are all so many duties which the child feels very deeply, though they do not arise spontaneously in his own mind. It is right to obey the will of the adult, wrong to have a will of one’s own. But because these rules are imposed from without they do not transform him, do not alter him. If the adult authority is removed, he relapses into a self-seeking, self-pleasing being. So this obedience is a literal obedience. He carries out the letter of the law, but he cannot grasp its intention. And this literal observance of the orders means that the child cannot judge his acts by their motives, but only whether they fit in with the rules laid down by his elders.
This obedience, then, is one of constraint and depends on the one-sided respect of the child for the grown-up. In the nature of things the child cannot establish a mutual relationship with a grown-up, cannot see him as an equal. How, then, does he free himself from this adult constraint ? It is by intercourse with his equals, with other children, that he achieves mutual respect and co-operation. As he grows older, he finds that the rules of the games he plays with his fellows may be changed as a result of free discussion, and the mutual respect of the other children’s views. As this mutual respect develops, he feels from within himself the wish to treat others as he would wish to bec treated. So he frees himself, and becomes to a greater or lesser degree conscious of himself and his own values. Blind obedience is gradually replaced by mutual service. His own need to be respected by his fellows, to be treated as an equal, balances the one-sided respect he showed to the grown-up. When the older child is accustomed to act from the point of view of those around him, when he tries to please them, rather than obey, he will judge his acts by intentions rather than by results. He can respect the motives of others, he can co-operate. This co-operation does away with the mystical feeling of authority, for when a rule depends on free collective will, obedience is not constrained but spontaneous.
Here, then, are two moralities?the morality of constraint depending on the one-sided respect of the child for the grown-up: this is normal up to the age of 7-8; and the morality of co-operation depending on mutual respect between his fellows, which gradually should replace the first morality and be active by 11-12.
It may be taken that in large families education in right and wrong will depend more on the con- tagion of example among the children than on constant supervision by the adults. The pressure of the group tends to outweigh the authority of the adult. The more the child escapes from the family conformity, the greater opportunity will he have for realizing that rules can be changed. In evacuate this escape is thrust upon him. As he escapes fr?^ the family circle, he frees himself from rules of $ parental authority. He cannot at first respect authority of the foster-parents, for how can he resp# someone he does not know ? When he becomes member of a large group, the communal inculcates respect for the group rather than ^ master. Suggestion and imitation are all-powerf^ This applies, perhaps, more particularly to boys, & girls are found more tolerant and more adapta^ to innovations. The more, however, adolescent are thrown together, the more they will try to free themselves from direct adult constraint. If, then, departure from the home, separate11 from the parents, and communal life accelerate th1*’ transition from obligations towards adult authority to the freedom of mutual co-operation, what afe the factors that retard this development ? fhj chief factor of course is the continued and hea^ pressure of the adult. Perhaps this can be ill115’ trated by the common grown-up attitude to natural clumsiness of the child. This adult reaction to his unskilfulness plays an enormously importaij part in the young child’s life. At frequent interval^ the small child arouses the anger of those arou^ him by breaking, or spoiling, or dirtying some objec or another. The small child feels the adult lo^e5 the broken glass, the scratched paint, the dirty clothes, more than she loves him. The adult care5 mostly about the material results, and in her anger takes no notice of the intentions of the child, goo? or bad. If these are the values of the all-wise adul^. then they are adopted by the young child. ? parents lose their tempers in proportion to tfrj amount of damage done, equally will the chi^ regard the disaster in that way. For the youflS child it is naughtier to make a big hole in your dres5 than a little one, however good your intentions^ and the clumsy younger children feel guilt pr?’ portional to the amount of havoc wreaked, n? guilt about their intentions. It is again the questio11 of adult constraint. It is an order not to touch not to handle the breakable objects. They are tabtf- How, then, are we to free the child from thiJ constraint in this sphere of clumsiness and untidi’ ness ? We can appeal to his wish to co-operate- We can draw attention to our own needs, our oWiJ difficulties, even our own mistakes, and point the consequences, thus making an atmosphere mutual help and understanding. It is not possible to avoid giving the young child (under 8) command5 that it cannot understand, but it relieves the pressure of adult constraint if those commands can be put $ a co-operative light?” to help mummy “?to pleas6 her parents, to ” show his little sister how Let us consider another problem in which th6 child’s natural attitude and the grown-up’s differ1 the question of lying. A young child is telling himself stories all the time. In his world of make’ believe he romances freely. He tends spontaneously to alter the truth in accordance with his desires. I11 fact the truth is not in him; it is a foreign adul’ notion xv* eorresn !i 111 ^at one must not lie does not child fin?H any inner need. Up to 7-8 the lying f0 tT? Culty n Pekingto the truth. Without others h S^e ^nS’ with no intent to deceive exPlan’at distorts the truth. His stories and n?t what?^S are- exPressions of what he is feeling, lhe small if- ^lieves. The manner of thinking of him it ic ^ almost compels him to tell lies. To makes it natura and harmless. But the grown-up order at f not to ?anc* be accepts the adult cann f e value’ an(l classes it as ” naughty the letter? f a^e *n t^le spirit of the command, only realizes th ? e *aw’ ^ *s on^ ^ater ^at the child ?ther c-vru 11 ^oes not Pa^ to tell lies because the youngest v^i11 cann?t trust him if he does. The than ste r en believe lying to be a graver sin criticism 0r clumsiness. They accept without lhey are ^.^dult order not to lie. Lies are wrong:
swear “Lies are naughty words”, like im u” “You mustn’t say them.” The does nntPr? the lie, the worse it is. Intention ” someth C?Unt- ?etween 5-8 a lie is described as naUghtvtmg ^at *snt true”. But it is just as intention ?i ?la^e an involuntary mistake as to tell an rule not f r?st^ this literal interpretation of the Can see th? ^ *s not ^ about 10 that a child a lie, and al>a statement that is intentionally false is it is.’ g ^hat the more plausible the lie the worse He has hls time he can pay attention to motives, children e?rnt.by experience from his fellows that The vr. cannot be trusted any more.
consider Ung?r children, under 7-8, on the whole sterner .PUn.’shment just and necessary, and the the neces t Juster. Under 7, children believe in y?u don’t ^?r Punishment. It is automatic. If s?me aeo n61 ^ound out and punished by a grown-up, Puni’v/11* ?r illness will happen to you that ?ccasioned y?U” ^eir disobedience they have Parents Th ^reach between themselves and their accePt the ? reparation is necessary, and reParation piH?’shment and its pain as part of that ar,d unrei T*1 e Punishment may be quite arbitrary ‘’ed,hefeel v, t0 crime- If a small child has by taking f. e may justly be punished by a smacking, ^’thholdin t0ys away, by some school task, by PUnishmem a,treat-. They consider the most severe older, and r ^a^r.est- But as the child grows attitu’de t rea . es bis equality with his fellows, his ^lief thauhUn^ment ahers, and he comes to the ITlent of r ? 0I^y Possible punishment is a punish- Putting ripfff i!1^011’ making good the harm, of disappeaJ e wrong done. The idea of expiation Efficient ‘ Th^ reProach and explanation are should ev ? OI?^y suffering -the wrong doer s?lidaritv ueflence is a result of his breach of the ??nsequen Ween bis equals. He should realize the injured. t>T the disapproval of the group he has ^ch Duni ^ Punishment should fit the crime, that his art sb?uld make the transgressor feel not co-one IO” Was wrong in the sense that he was ?f this ide raVve- At one stage in the development *n eVe for L re
is an insistence on sheer equality, an eye, irrespective of intention. But the older child, the adolescent, can take into account intention, and temper justice with mercy. This sense of justice is not inculcated by adults; it grows within the child as he learns to respect his fellows and feels at one with them. So that the idea of justice overcomes the authority of the grown-up. Up to 6-7 the child, still impressed by the all-wise, morally perfect adult, believes it right to tell tales about other children to grown-ups; but after 8 it is not right to tell the grown-ups ; his loyalty is owed to his equals, and it is even sporting to tell a false tale to shield a comrade. This sense . of what is fair and what.is unfair is very important to the child. Up to 8, the only unfairness is to break rules: the authority of the grown-up is more important than fairness. But from 8-11, the important thing is that everything should be equal, both treats and punishments, rewards and sanctions. Authoritative rulings are no longer accepted with docility, and protests are made against unequal share-outs.
It is at this stage that we have a crisis. Just as the child discovers that after all his parent does not know everything, and is not omniscient, so a parallel crisis is apt to occur here. The child discovers that the parent is not perfectly just, that he can be unfair, can make mistakes. The child can no longer trust in an automatic justice. If he feels unjustly treated, he will begin to revolt against the adult authority. If the adult continues in unfair treatment, the revolt becomes chronic and sustained: he rebels against all authority all his life, against teachers, foremen and officers.
This is not to condemn the adult authority. It has its proper place in the development of the child. Without it the child becomes a self-pleasing, self- seeking gangster. There is no better example than the Wolf Children in the U.S.S.R. after the Revolu- tion. The period of adult constraint is necessary for the security of the child. But it is important that as the child develops, this adult authority should not be prolonged, or we prevent him from growing up, and his personality from developing. If a child is to achieve a desire for work, a habit of” making efforts, we must take into account and respect his interests. Work must enlist his initiative and his spontaneous activity. If the child is interested in what he does, he is capable of making efforts to the limits of physical endurance. We may feel his interests are not what we approve, but we cannot impose our interests; we have to accept his.
Justice can only at first develop between children; then, as the child becomes adolescent, between the adolescent and the grown-up. But by example and practice of reciprocity the adult can influence the child. True’ discipline is the discipline that the children themselves have willed and consented to. Not all children may have the capacity to reach this level of development. Some of them are born with limitations that will keep them socially retarded. These will always need a buttress of adult authority, but for the rest we must provide the conditions in which a true democracy may develop.
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